I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
