Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Randomize
