Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
