I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I don't deserve a penis
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
