i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
