true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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