I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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