My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
