Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
There's always time for handjobs
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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