What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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