Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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