so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
