Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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