Swine flu. Run for my life!
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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