I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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