Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
