I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
