I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
