my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
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