A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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