ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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