I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Randomize
