I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
