It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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