He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
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