i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
