Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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