listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
