You don't have asthma, your pregnant
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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