Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
