please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
