Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
