just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
