all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
