I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
OPIZZABONMYDICK
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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