I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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