thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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