It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
