Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I just cut my nipple shaving
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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