i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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