What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I just gift wrapped bread.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Terrible idea I love it
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
