I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
