If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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