It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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