he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
