My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
