Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
