i'm signing you up for texting rehab
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
