I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
