just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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