duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Randomize
