so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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