you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
