Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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