I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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