I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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