did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
