Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
