She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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