You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
