I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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