3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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